I talked last night on the phone with my coach. We’ve both been pretty busy and this was the first chance we had to get together to talk about the weekend races. I was pleased that he was happy both with my physical and mental performances.

Then he asked the question that has been eating away at me for sometime now. “So, does this change your view on the idea of moving up to Category 3?” He asked the question in one of those ways where you know he is fishing for a particular reply.

I paused. In a few seconds my mind went through the battle all over again. I knew the answer was, “Yes, I have changed my view on upgrading.” However, just because I had changed my view didn’t necessarily mean I was ready to take action.

Could this have been my last Category 4 race? - Photo by Jimmy Helms

Once again in Spartanburg I was on the podium. That means out of the eleven Category 4 races I have competed in this season, I have finished 3rd or better in seven of them. The other four finishes were 5th, 7th, 19th, and 36th. Those kinds of finishes in the NASCAR Nationwide Series would have the Sprint Cup teams coming and knocking on your door.

However, I have never won a race as a Category 4 racer. I struggle with that because I want to win in the worst way. I know that if I stayed as a four, I would get that win someday. If I upgrade, the chances of winning diminish. Not only that, if I upgrade I’ll be moved into the Masters races where it will not be my job to try to win. Even the bottom level of the podium will be hard to come by.

I’m 42 and this year was the year that I devoted to training. It was my push to accomplish something in racing. I don’t know if I will be able to devote the time necessary to improve within the Masters and Category 3 ranks. My dream for the year was to get a win, upgrade to 3, and then “just race for fun” in 2011.

On the other hand, I am getting embarrassed pulling up to the start line of the Category 4 races. I know the guys around me are thinking, “What on earth is he still doing here?” Ironically (please don’t take this as conceit), I’m tired of 2nd and 3rd place finishes. I can knock off a top five finish anytime I toe the line in a Category 4 race. It isn’t conceit, it is just a fact. These guys are my friends and I don’t want to cause resentment.

It makes not getting that win just that much more miserable. Winning is not easy! But when you are sooooo close time and again, finishing 2nd and 3rd just dosen’t cut it.

I really do find myself drawn back to that challenge that I first felt going into this season. There was the unknown of where I would finish in my first race. That first one was a confidence shaker! However, for the rest of the time till now I raced in that sweet spot of knowing I had the ability to finish well, but never quite convinced of the true level of that ability.

Now, I’m not racing to see how well I can do. I’m racing to meet expectations. I guess you could call that “negative racing.” The sweet spot is gone.

So, last night, I submitted my upgrade request. I imagine that by the next time I race, I’ll have to put down that I’m a Category 3. Wow! Back in February, I would have never thought that by May I would have already accomplished that goal.

I guess I’ll have to reassess my remaining goals. Two of them unchanged — 1) 11:15 up Paris Mountain, and 2) 700 miles in 7 days. The one that will be affected was my goal to finish top five in the French Broad River Classic. I had my heart set on doing the Time Trial, Road Race, and Criterium with the goal of a top five in the Omnium. Now, what seemed very doable suddenly appears out of my reach.

That is the frustration and that is the joy… the unknown.

Coach says I have the numbers to race Category 3. He says I have flashes of the ability to race Category 2. The numbers are there. The question is whether the heart and head will be.

Goodbye, Category 4. It was fun while it lasted. I’ll miss the guys I grew used to having around me. Mostly, I’ll miss Matt and Billy. Come on, guys, it is time to upgrade!